Conflict

Nothing compares to the innocence of a young love. So raw, pure and unique.
simple
What would I give for the simplicity of my second grade crush?
Plain and simple; just about anything.
So easy, and controlled.
Now? Simple is so far from being an adjective that turns into my mind to describe everything..
to describe anything.
I love. That's the simple part.. I love you, I do.. but here causes the conflict.
Young love, I love you I love you I love you. Just like that. Allow me to snap my fingers,
then we shall count the ways that I love you. No more of this.
I love. And.. that is simple. Too simple.
Conflict: Love. "In" Love.
I do love you.. I love being around you, I love your family, your dog, the smile you put on my face..
But what does that even mean? The things I love, superficial? unoriginal.
In love.. I've been in love.
The burn in my heart, the good burn.. the lively butterflies coasting about the insides of my stomach..
The smile that not even the saddest thing could cause it to waver.
I've been in love with him.
"In" Love... it stays with you.
I've always been "in" love.. always with you,
and I will forever be a victim of the conflicting confusion in my head..
the side of me that says move on, and the side that says, you can't move on.. because he's always there.
He wasn't there though.. He was gone for so long...
but I was "In" Love.. it didn't matter..
My brother always jokes around and says, "oh, but it hurts so good"
It hurt so good.. the always "In" Love.. it hurts.
it's the good hurt, the forever burn,
the unsettled fluttering butterflies in the pit of my stomach.. the unwavering smile
I love you, but I don't think I can be "In" Love.. with anyone but him..

The Inside Counts, Right?

Mind:
Full of questions,
What next? Where do I turn when everything else feels as though it's beating me down? Why are you still in my head, after months, after a year? And why, why do I feel as though it's okay to turn to you, you of all people, my regrets, my savoured memories, our washed up perfection..? Why do I lean on you? When nothing else feels okay who can I count on to be there, everyday, because I need them, everyday? Is it my fault? Why me? What did I do... I question.
Full of doubt,
It won't get better, there's no way anyone can fix me. I wish I hadn't fallen for you, the boy I could never have, the boy that would never have me. I wish I had said something to you, anything to make you feel, even for just one moment, the pain you inflicted on me. I'm never going to make it. I can't keep going. He'll never truly care about me like I truly care about him. I doubt it.
Full of self-hate,
Self. I hate myself everyday... I hate myself in my full length mirror, in my mirror, in any mirror. I hate the self that I see, instead of the self that I constantly hope I one day will be the self that I look at. That area above my pelvic bones, the one that I can pinch, no.. not pinch, the area that I can grab. Between my legs, my inner thigh, that handful of "extra skin". Behind my arms, bra overflow... any overflow at all. The lines under my eyes. With a passion, my hobby, my self-hate.

Body:
Full of problems,
Congenital Disk Degeneration, Arthritis, Disk Bulge L4L5 L5S1, Straight spine, De-genitive Disk Disease, inoperable, too young, "I cant fix this".. More self hate.. "She's only 16" ..... I need to grow up, or else they'll never fix me. Too many problems
Full of "fixer-uppers",
Stomach, thighs, back, hips, calves, arms... too fat. "just run, just run some more". I imagine myself going to the gym every single day, getting addicted to the high that working out sends through my body... but........ I'm..
Full of problems,
Congenital Disk Degeneration, Arthritis, Disk Bulge L4L5 L5S1, Straight spine, De-genitive Disk Disease, INOPERABLE.
too much pain.
unbearable
It makes me want to DIE

Soul:
Full of desire:
I want to get better, get skinnier, get into a good school, make money, have children. I want the one boy that I care so much about to care so much about me back. (Full of doubt.. he won't). I want them to understand, I want everyone to understand what I go through everyday. I want him to care about what I'm going through everyday, I want to play sports. I want to step onto the field and feel the same release that I always felt before, I want that back... it was taken away. This isn't fair..

If it's whats on the inside that counts... then I only count for pain, imperfections, empty selfish desires.
If it's whats on the inside that counts... then I don't count for much.

Dull Consistency

The worst thing about the pain I feel is it's consistency.
There are days, so many days
That I don't want to live through,
The pain is unbearable,
Pinning me against a wall
Which I never wanted to face

Out of everything in life,
It figures that the one thing that's consistent
Without fail
Is the pain.

The pain I go through every day...
All day long..

No matter what I do,
It's exhausting,
And I have begun to feel so defeated.

I don't want to be defeated,
Not easily,
I'm strong,
I want to be strong

But the dull consistency this pain feeds to me in even
And unfair doses,
It needs to stop

With it,
I can't be strong,
I can't move on,

I would just like to move on...

Burnt

Sometimes it burns,
in the pit of my stomach,
the old familure ach returns
in the empty spot in my scared heart.

I know its okay,
and its okay to be okay, but why?
Why does it burn?
Why does the familure ache
haunt me like a long forgotten ghost?

I know its okay..
but sometimes I wish that it was okay,
with you

My Right People.

"The most amazing memories don't come from doing amazing things, but from doing anything with the right people"



You are my "right people". Happy 4 Months
iwish i could tellyou how much youmean to me without feelinglike i'm pushing youaway

Lean

I'll lean on you
you lean on me
and we
will be okay

Square One

"something always brings me back to you"

I've fallen in love before,
With you.
A summer not too long ago...
But it might as well have been a forever.
You don't understand,
You will never understand..
The pain, the hurt,
The want, the hate,
The love that will never fade.
Forevermore you will be the one that I chased away,
All on my own.
It was my fault, wasn't it?
You made it my fault, didn't you?
It was like a bullet in my foot, the pain.

You've been my inspiration
Everlasting, never fading.
I wrote "remember when"
Cried every second while I wrote it..
Because I remember when...



We passed an island in the Mediterranean waters
On our plane ride to Greece,
"That's beautiful..."
The words fell from my mouth as the only two I could find
You whispered something, I heard you
But I thought I heard wrong
"What?"
You looked at me and laughed,
Not intending to repeat
Fun fact you must not have known then:
I'm persistant.
"Tell me what you said"
"What do you think is the most beautiful thing you
Have ever seen.."
"I'm not sure,
The Mona Lisa was pretty,
Too much hype actually, not that great."
"Try again,
What do you think is the most beautiful thing you
Have ever seen?"
"I don't know!"
"What do you think will be the most beautiful thing
We see on this trip?"
"The Parthenon, tomorrow!"
"Then if you remember this
"I'll tell you what I said tomorrow"
"Okay, I won't forget."

And I didn't.
Climbing to the top of this historical landmark
You smiled at me
That same smile
The smile that stole my heart
The smile the I saw every night in my dreams
For countless nights to come
Almost at the top.
"So, you said you'd tell me today"
"Not yet"
"Why not?"
Almost there
"Because"
"You should just tell me, you're making me mad"
Now.
Jaw dropped, "This is breath taking"
That smile, again
"Just like you.."

I remember.
I will always remember
I will never forget anything
Not even the day you told me
We would never speak again
I will never forget
The sound a heart makes
When it breaks into pieces
A deafening silence
A twinge
A weight..
Un-lifted
Unshifted
Never gone


Forevermore you will be the one that I chased away,
All on my own.
It was my fault, wasn't it?
You made it my fault, didn't you?
It was like a bullet in my foot, the pain.
The love that will never fade.

"i never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love, and not feel your pain."

Undeserving

On my way home from cape cod with my mom we stopped in barnstable to return to one of her favorite restaurants. Sitting at a table next to us was a beautiful family of five. The mother, three girls, and father were not all engaged in conversation, instead the father sat on his blackberry and the mother tried her best to talk to her daughters. His wife looked to him to try and ask him a question. After she spoke he peered over his phone and glared at her. He finally spoke when he said, "I told you I was ignoring you today. I also asked you not to speak to me, so leave me alone." The wife looked apologetically at her children while they sat with their heads down pretended to be entertained by the words on their menus. About five minutes later when everything should have felt cooled off the wife tried saying something to her husband again. Apparently he felt she wasn't even worth his breath because this time instead of belittling her, he stood up and walked away. As I write thing, he still has yet to return.
I dont understand. You have been blessed with three gorgeous young daughters and and beautiful wife and you would think that you would have everything you could possible want in order to be happy. But instead you take it upon yourself to be a pompous ass hole? Undeserving. You don't deserve their unconditional love, and you don't deserve the moments in their life that you take it upon yourself to waste away as you start arguments with your spouse. So undeserving. I would say that my advice would be to actually try, but you don't deserve that either. You don't deserve the right to try and make things better. I hope someday your wife wakes up and walks away from the rudeness and cruelty you treat her with, she is undeserving of that.

Stacey

In 2006 I traveled with the People to People Student Ambassador Program, and made several life long friends. During the trip to Australia and New Zealand I never imagined that I would come home gaining friendships from not only ten of my peers, but also from my leader, Stacey Sherman.
She is my senior by at least 35 years, but I find myself relating to her sometimes more than friends my age. Last summer, the summer of 2009, I traveled to Greece and Italy with the same program, and I was fortunate enough to have Stacey as my leader again. Running through the streets of Greece and Italy with my good friend by my side created memories in my mind that I know I will never forget.
Stacey has so many qualities that I want to posses in myself as I age. Through the duration of the program I constantly found myself looking up to her, admiring everything about her persona. I have only met a few people in my life that have made such an impact on me.
Driving up to People to People meetings for the 2009 trip, Stacey would discuss many things with me. I always found myself enchanted and deeply interested in everything that she said. During the time she and I would get to spend alone in her car, we would talk about anything on our minds. She would always be willing to give me advice, and in my heart and head I always knew that she had my best interests in mind.
In my life I know that Stacey will always play a static character. She is the woman whom I someday aspire to be. Her sense of humor is dry and witty, and she always has a smile on her face. She is strong-willed and opinionated, and she would never shy away from speaking her mind. She truly has an enthusiasm for life. These few characteristics are among the many that I admire, and I hope they will come to me as I live my life.
Stacey Sherman has been and will continue to be so many things in my eyes. She is a volunteer, a leader, a strong woman, a mother figure, and a best friend. I will forever be thankful that such a wonderful person has crossed my path. She makes me want to be a motivated, compassionate, understanding, strong, independent person. Stacey Sherman is a woman I will continue to admire for the rest of my life, and the ways that she has influenced me have helped shape me into who I am today. That will never change.

RY.

Myriah: [muh-rye-ah]
You have such grace, complicated elegance. I envy the strength you have, the strength that I have looked for within myself so many times before. I turn to you, have you noticed? You are my help.. and although maybe you may feel broken at times, you fix me. You are the strength that I can not dig up. Forever, I know, our friendship, our sisterhood, will always be the best I've made, the most reliable. I can't exactly describe to you, or put in words for you the importance of the bond I hold with you. I can't describe how your presence makes me feel lighter, how your bluntness makes everything feel tangible. If that makes sense.. You bring me back to earth when I need to be grounded. You were there the night I called you to cry, just to cry, you listened as I wept about the lifted weight on my shoulders and you allowed me to break. But you... you put me back together. My glue. I love you for your steady bravery, and constant friendship. A shoulder, an ear, a kind smile.
Always there
Always

This I Believe

I believe in every insignificant moment having the capability to change the course of our lives. The small things matter, and through life this has become more and more evident to me. I have seldom stopped to wonder about what the small things have done to affect my life, but when I sit and think about it, the small things add up to a sum much greater than the seemingly more important moments.
My grandfather had Alzheimer’s. A disease that is tragic to have, but even more heartbreaking to sit by and witness. It took his memory away from him, and in 2008 it took him away from my family. I don’t remember ever hearing the sound of my own name fall from his lips. I don’t remember ever seeing him laugh, and I don’t remember ever seeing him recognize the faces of his own immediate family. I don’t remember much about my grandfather; but to this day I have one memory in my head that remains clearer than all the rest.
I remember sitting in the den of my grandparent’s house on the couch across from my grandfather. I remember looking at him, he had been fast asleep for hours, and still not a single noise had come out of him. There was a tin container on the floor with a bunch of small plastic animals and insects inside of it. I remember walking over to the tin and opening it, taking each item out, and putting them on my grandfather. Now I know that in some way I was trying to engage him, but at the time I just wanted someone to play with. I remember my grandmother walking into the room, laughing hysterically, and taking pictures of me and my insect-covered grandfather, of whom was still deep in slumber. I was still sitting in the den silently when he woke up later that night. I remember him slowly turning his head to look at his shoulder, gradually reaching his brittle hand up to take off a bug and look at it. He inspected it for several moments, turned to me, smiled, and fell back asleep.
By choice, that memory will forever be the last memory I have of my grandfather. I don’t want to remember visiting him in the hospitals, seeing him stare at the same painting for hours on end without blinking. I don’t want to remember seeing him gaze emptily into my father’s eyes, reaching up to touch his cheek as if his own son had become a stranger. At that point in my life it was a small, unimportant, moment, one of which I never knew would be the moment which reflects the light I choose to remember my grandfather in. Looking back on it, that one moment has truly changed the course of my life. I will never again take for granted the time I have gotten and will get to spend with the ones I love, because I know that if I close my eyes, even if it’s only for a moment, everything could change, and everything could be gone.
I believe in every insignificant moment having the capability to change the course of our lives. The small things matter.

In Between

In between birth and death there will be:
(in no particular order)
...
1. success
2. failure
3. pain
4. struggle
5. desire
6. need
7. inspiration
8. hard work
9. encouragement
10. love..
11. more failure
12. a broken heart or.... four
13. loneliness
14. discouragement
15. devastation
16. growth
17. a lull
18. a journey
19. a lifelong friend
.... and finally
20. happiness

I don't know what is ahead of me, but I know the imprints of my feet
have left behind me a trail filled with every aspect of life.
I know I am young, and the world has so much left to offer.

I aspire to find success, and I know that in order for me to find it,
I need to be able to grasp failure by the neck and refuse it a place in my life.
I want to feel pain, so I know that the life I struggle to lead is a reality.
I wish for my heart to fulfill it's deepest desires whole-heartedly and mindfully
I need to find inspiration to float on into the days which lay before me
I hope to use hard work and encouragement to achieve the love which I so desperately long for, instead of the broken hearts left in my wake... (and in his)
which have only been mended by the hands of my lifelong friends..
I feel as though loneliness, devastation and discouragement will only fade
away with the growth allowed by time's gentile touch.
I hope there will never be a lull in my life as I sail day-by-day through this journey to ultimately obtain the one thing everyone is always searching for:
happiness.

I Am

I am a daughter
My mother, my best friend, my muse. All those long car rides, all those nights
you came to sit with me and talk, all those little moments....

I am thankful
My father, my clown, my hero. All those sporting events, "take it to the hole"
I try hard, for you.

I am selfish
My needs, my wants, my "this times". All those "right now"-s and
"no, this way"-s... sometimes it needs to be okay.

I am a student
Spain, a future, a choice, a "no". Zaragoza, SYA, not this time, selfless?

I am a traveler
Greece, Italy, NZ, AUS, Europe. My life, my memories, where I found my two
best friends, my inspiration(s)

I am me
Unknown, confused, young, old soul. No regrets, not this time, not ever, none.