Conflict

Nothing compares to the innocence of a young love. So raw, pure and unique.
simple
What would I give for the simplicity of my second grade crush?
Plain and simple; just about anything.
So easy, and controlled.
Now? Simple is so far from being an adjective that turns into my mind to describe everything..
to describe anything.
I love. That's the simple part.. I love you, I do.. but here causes the conflict.
Young love, I love you I love you I love you. Just like that. Allow me to snap my fingers,
then we shall count the ways that I love you. No more of this.
I love. And.. that is simple. Too simple.
Conflict: Love. "In" Love.
I do love you.. I love being around you, I love your family, your dog, the smile you put on my face..
But what does that even mean? The things I love, superficial? unoriginal.
In love.. I've been in love.
The burn in my heart, the good burn.. the lively butterflies coasting about the insides of my stomach..
The smile that not even the saddest thing could cause it to waver.
I've been in love with him.
"In" Love... it stays with you.
I've always been "in" love.. always with you,
and I will forever be a victim of the conflicting confusion in my head..
the side of me that says move on, and the side that says, you can't move on.. because he's always there.
He wasn't there though.. He was gone for so long...
but I was "In" Love.. it didn't matter..
My brother always jokes around and says, "oh, but it hurts so good"
It hurt so good.. the always "In" Love.. it hurts.
it's the good hurt, the forever burn,
the unsettled fluttering butterflies in the pit of my stomach.. the unwavering smile
I love you, but I don't think I can be "In" Love.. with anyone but him..

The Inside Counts, Right?

Mind:
Full of questions,
What next? Where do I turn when everything else feels as though it's beating me down? Why are you still in my head, after months, after a year? And why, why do I feel as though it's okay to turn to you, you of all people, my regrets, my savoured memories, our washed up perfection..? Why do I lean on you? When nothing else feels okay who can I count on to be there, everyday, because I need them, everyday? Is it my fault? Why me? What did I do... I question.
Full of doubt,
It won't get better, there's no way anyone can fix me. I wish I hadn't fallen for you, the boy I could never have, the boy that would never have me. I wish I had said something to you, anything to make you feel, even for just one moment, the pain you inflicted on me. I'm never going to make it. I can't keep going. He'll never truly care about me like I truly care about him. I doubt it.
Full of self-hate,
Self. I hate myself everyday... I hate myself in my full length mirror, in my mirror, in any mirror. I hate the self that I see, instead of the self that I constantly hope I one day will be the self that I look at. That area above my pelvic bones, the one that I can pinch, no.. not pinch, the area that I can grab. Between my legs, my inner thigh, that handful of "extra skin". Behind my arms, bra overflow... any overflow at all. The lines under my eyes. With a passion, my hobby, my self-hate.

Body:
Full of problems,
Congenital Disk Degeneration, Arthritis, Disk Bulge L4L5 L5S1, Straight spine, De-genitive Disk Disease, inoperable, too young, "I cant fix this".. More self hate.. "She's only 16" ..... I need to grow up, or else they'll never fix me. Too many problems
Full of "fixer-uppers",
Stomach, thighs, back, hips, calves, arms... too fat. "just run, just run some more". I imagine myself going to the gym every single day, getting addicted to the high that working out sends through my body... but........ I'm..
Full of problems,
Congenital Disk Degeneration, Arthritis, Disk Bulge L4L5 L5S1, Straight spine, De-genitive Disk Disease, INOPERABLE.
too much pain.
unbearable
It makes me want to DIE

Soul:
Full of desire:
I want to get better, get skinnier, get into a good school, make money, have children. I want the one boy that I care so much about to care so much about me back. (Full of doubt.. he won't). I want them to understand, I want everyone to understand what I go through everyday. I want him to care about what I'm going through everyday, I want to play sports. I want to step onto the field and feel the same release that I always felt before, I want that back... it was taken away. This isn't fair..

If it's whats on the inside that counts... then I only count for pain, imperfections, empty selfish desires.
If it's whats on the inside that counts... then I don't count for much.

Dull Consistency

The worst thing about the pain I feel is it's consistency.
There are days, so many days
That I don't want to live through,
The pain is unbearable,
Pinning me against a wall
Which I never wanted to face

Out of everything in life,
It figures that the one thing that's consistent
Without fail
Is the pain.

The pain I go through every day...
All day long..

No matter what I do,
It's exhausting,
And I have begun to feel so defeated.

I don't want to be defeated,
Not easily,
I'm strong,
I want to be strong

But the dull consistency this pain feeds to me in even
And unfair doses,
It needs to stop

With it,
I can't be strong,
I can't move on,

I would just like to move on...

Burnt

Sometimes it burns,
in the pit of my stomach,
the old familure ach returns
in the empty spot in my scared heart.

I know its okay,
and its okay to be okay, but why?
Why does it burn?
Why does the familure ache
haunt me like a long forgotten ghost?

I know its okay..
but sometimes I wish that it was okay,
with you

My Right People.

"The most amazing memories don't come from doing amazing things, but from doing anything with the right people"



You are my "right people". Happy 4 Months
iwish i could tellyou how much youmean to me without feelinglike i'm pushing youaway

Lean

I'll lean on you
you lean on me
and we
will be okay

Square One

"something always brings me back to you"

I've fallen in love before,
With you.
A summer not too long ago...
But it might as well have been a forever.
You don't understand,
You will never understand..
The pain, the hurt,
The want, the hate,
The love that will never fade.
Forevermore you will be the one that I chased away,
All on my own.
It was my fault, wasn't it?
You made it my fault, didn't you?
It was like a bullet in my foot, the pain.

You've been my inspiration
Everlasting, never fading.
I wrote "remember when"
Cried every second while I wrote it..
Because I remember when...



We passed an island in the Mediterranean waters
On our plane ride to Greece,
"That's beautiful..."
The words fell from my mouth as the only two I could find
You whispered something, I heard you
But I thought I heard wrong
"What?"
You looked at me and laughed,
Not intending to repeat
Fun fact you must not have known then:
I'm persistant.
"Tell me what you said"
"What do you think is the most beautiful thing you
Have ever seen.."
"I'm not sure,
The Mona Lisa was pretty,
Too much hype actually, not that great."
"Try again,
What do you think is the most beautiful thing you
Have ever seen?"
"I don't know!"
"What do you think will be the most beautiful thing
We see on this trip?"
"The Parthenon, tomorrow!"
"Then if you remember this
"I'll tell you what I said tomorrow"
"Okay, I won't forget."

And I didn't.
Climbing to the top of this historical landmark
You smiled at me
That same smile
The smile that stole my heart
The smile the I saw every night in my dreams
For countless nights to come
Almost at the top.
"So, you said you'd tell me today"
"Not yet"
"Why not?"
Almost there
"Because"
"You should just tell me, you're making me mad"
Now.
Jaw dropped, "This is breath taking"
That smile, again
"Just like you.."

I remember.
I will always remember
I will never forget anything
Not even the day you told me
We would never speak again
I will never forget
The sound a heart makes
When it breaks into pieces
A deafening silence
A twinge
A weight..
Un-lifted
Unshifted
Never gone


Forevermore you will be the one that I chased away,
All on my own.
It was my fault, wasn't it?
You made it my fault, didn't you?
It was like a bullet in my foot, the pain.
The love that will never fade.

"i never wanted anything so much, than to drown in your love, and not feel your pain."